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(no subject) [Nov. 17th, 2004|07:05 pm]
So besides having absolutely no idea who I am or what I want, I'm pretty good. I see all these girls who are amazing, incredible, and sure they have their flaws and all but it's nothing one would notice from the outside. They are the epitome of perfection, what I will be one day.
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(no subject) [Sep. 12th, 2004|10:24 pm]
Not meaning to complain, or sound ungrateful, but my life really sucks. I know how much worse it could be, yada yada yada, but right here, in this moment, it feels like I'm putting in a lot more than I'm getting back. I try with guys, get nothing. I try with music, get very little. I try working out and eating healthy, still the same. It's very frustrating, trying to move off this plateau and not making as much progress as I'd like.

I hate boys and all the emotion they put me through. I've got them off my mind, out of my situation as best I can, but it's hopeless. I still have to watch them kiss their girlfriends, hold their hands and go on dates. They distract me whether I'm with one or not. I push them away. I deserve better than this, better than them. Someone who actually cares about me for who I am. Someone who sees the wonderful things in me I hope (know? pray?) exist but cannot see. I'm so worried I won't find someone, that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I'm worried about getting close the the wrong person and having my heart ripped out.

I need to keep pushing and working harder, but the drive seems hard to come by, especially with nothing wonderful to look forward to.
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(no subject) [Sep. 11th, 2004|08:28 pm]
[mood |tiredtired]

I really just want to push it. To see how absolutely amazing I can make myself. How physically pure can I become? The tiny dancer's body, the thin arms and legs. The cheeks, or lack of. The long neck and presence. I want the smooth, pale skin and bright eyes.

I want to be flawless
and elite.

The need for a new journal was apparent one day out of the blue. I realized just how many people read my old one and how I couldn't really let loose without offending a great deal of my friends, and I couldn't be honest without attracting a great deal of attention for my actions. So this is it, the answer to my where-can-I-hide-my-diary dilema.

It's funny how I'd love to have a boyfriend, but I'm terrified of getting close to someone. Besides being a better violinist, that's really all I want right now. Well that and perfect grades. And a better body. And the admiration and respect of everyone I know and will ever meet. A boyfriend would be nice though. Not someone like Jimmy, who totally played me, but someone chill like Billy or Jared. Someone who I could have a good time with and who would actually like me for all the things I am, not just ass. Ahh man well whatever. The good times are over and it's time to get back to work. I'll write more later.
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